Ending

And we found out, together.

New Noon

http://nunaspen.blogspot.com/

Gorgeous

(beauty unfolds over porridge. click to view)

"I think it's a great idea. Just, remember, that you do have depression...

...and prepare accordingly."

Go ahead, jump out into a new place, something different. And take care to create a support network. If possible, go somewhere that the support network will be built in. But, whatever you do, make sure you have somewhere to go on the bad nights. People in general to socialize with. Enroll in a class. Do . not . allow . isolation.

Indecisive

I am submitting a proposal at work tomorrow. Nervous.
Tending the garden/farm in South Carolina for a spell?

the past several days

gentle, now. eat food. see friends. go to work.
complete the daily tasks, and allow for extra time.
trust in experience, these emotions will pass.
laughter, and the outdoors.

New Apartment

I daydream about owning my own condo, and installing Mexican tile.

nearing completion

I have built a tower. Reaching up for the vaulted ceiling. Tonight, I take the evening off from packing. I shall resume on the morrow.

In the meantime, John Wayne vs. The Man From Snowy River.

Still packing.

a flock of boxes and i

3 years.

Barring unexpected circumstances, I expect to remain Provo-bound for the next three years.

And, I want the apartment I choose to be home for the remainder of those three years.

And, after three years, I want to leave Utah.

September 2014: You now own significance.

Today, I finished this book:

A fear harbored from a young age. A reality expressed by various men upon parting. I wonder how this fear influences my feminism. Articulate, in a book on masculinity.

"I loved him, but I lost my identity in his, because he's so overwhelming and powerful. I had my own thing going in life before I met him, but I quickly became the person who was beneath him, and my world started to revolve around his. He was and is a loving but intolerant person. Someone else's opinion was never welcome. He was obsessed with making money, with buying land, with success, and he was always on the road. It got to the point where I never saw him. The only time we spoke was when he gave me orders."

p138

Throwaway Culture

Today, I started packing.

It is getting better.

There are hard days, and today was one of those. So was yesterday. And the day before that. And the week before that.

It will get better. It will get better. It will get better.

I'm off to Capitol Reef for the Sleeping Rainbow Writer's Workshop, a UVU venture in collaboration with BYU. I get ridiculously intimidated at these sorts of things. But, I'll try to focus on improving my writing, rather than feeling sheepish amongst the more talented sorts who self-identify as Writers.

I did it! I did it! I did it!

This is me, home safe and sound,
From my first ever
Solo Backpacking Expedition.

"All men say 'What' to me, but I thought it a fashion.
When much in the woods, as a little girl, I was told that the snake would bite me that I might pick a poisonous flower, or goblins kidnap me; but I went along and met no one but angels who were far shyer of me than I could be of them, so I haven't that confidence in fraud which many exercise." --Emily Dickinson, in a letter to Higginson as quoted in his Atlantic essay

In other news, Jasper (the lost netbook) has been found. And none of my roommates oppose pets of the feline sort. Want list, I whittle you.

I've had a lot on my mind lately. I've been trying to keep the thoughts tethered to a stake of "Treat yourself in the same manner as you expect yourself to treat others: with courtesy, understanding and gentleness."

Today, as I was writing, I decided to let myself make a list of things I want. Forget that it feels horribly selfish and egotistical. It's not. There's nothing wrong with being aware of my own desires, no matter how selfish focusing on those may feel.

I thought that what came out in my list was interesting. I'm curious as to what would be on your list, and how we understand our own lists of desires. So, I'll take the first step by sharing my own:

• I want a kitten
• I want to speak perfectly accented, grammatically accurate, Spanish
• I want to learn a trade--like automotive repair or computer repair, nursing, carpentry, plumbing or farming.
• I want to be part of a small, close knit community that includes children through the elderly.
• I want to be happy in my present.
• I want to reach out to others and remain open to the growing of the aforementioned close knit community.
• I want to be financially stable.
• I want to hike, travel and explore on a regular basis.
• I want to work with children and/or adolescents.
• I want to be part of a faith community who shares my values and supports my journey.
• I want to search out a compassionate man who wants to build life with me, with whom to share love and companionship.
• I want a small, stuffed, couch to sink down and cuddle into (perhaps with the aforemntioned man, or a good book, or pen & paper, or a friend, or the aforementioned kittens, or schoolwork.)
• I want to work in the sun.
• I want to find my lost netbook.
• I want to feel content with being alone.
• I want to feel confident in my ability to be an agent for change in the world.
• I want to be an agent for change and social justice in my life, those I love, and strangers.

So, that's the list I came up with. Surely there are other things that could be included ("meangingful conversation with passionate people" jumps to mind,) but I was constrained by paper space at the time that I was originally constructing the list. Even without being all-inclusive, I feel like my list pretty well captures who I would like to be and the thoughts that have been boggling my mind of late.

What do you want?

Colgate & Coleus

Brushing my teeth this morning , it occurred to me that it's kind of strange: We scrape a chemical formula across our teeth every morning and night... and that keeps our teeth clean and healthy. Weirrrrrrd. And wonderful. (although I imagine there are non chemical concoctions that work well?) Also apparently even without the toothpaste it's good for your teeth, according to a dental hygienist a while back. I'm glad that I can keep my teeth healthy. Even if I'm still conflicted about, "Wait, people a century ago couldn't do this! (or could they?) And there are people today who still don't have access! Yarh."





= my favorite toothpaste





Also, I have a little garden of coleus growing in my house, and have possibly adopted one of Sarah's aloe plants. These are super-easy to care for plants. Still, I usually kill even the "easy" plants. I've enjoyed taking care of these little plants and checking in on them every day. I'm surprised how useful and grounding taking care of the plants has been for me. As for weirdness similar to the toothpaste: Coleus you'll find in the wild is green. We have cultivars of various leaf shapes and colors and they're really pretty. They're not natural. You won't go out to the jungle anywhere and find a pink and apple-green variegated coleus. That's sort of weird to me. But, I'm okay with it.








= my favorite coleus cultivar, popularly named "Freckles"






*Blogging about toothpaste & houseplants is mostly a practice in "it's okay to be boring, and maybe if you write a li'l more often, something interesting will start to shake out more regularly." Thanks for patience.

Veg

Let's make this a food testing blog, for the week.

Burger King's Veggie Burger= edible, but not particularly desirable. I'd been wanting to try it for a while. When I realized this evening that I'd eaten very little through the entire day, obviously it was time. I am now satiated, but it's not something I'll ever crave.

What new foods've you tasted or tested lately?

itchy itchy feet that refuse to get scratched

So, I spent two months on the road. Itinerant. Wandering. Movemovemovemoe

Then, I came home. My Mom came to visit. When she left, I went back on the road for a weekend. And then the following weekend. And the weekend after that, too. I'm not sure my wanderlust has been sated, but I'm determined to stay home this weekend.

I'm sure there's plenty I could write about those adventures. But, here's what actually finally inspired me to post:

Megs and I held a duel between Private Selection Premium Fruit Bars (Strawberry) and Dreyer's brand strawberry Fruit Bars. While Dreyers had a more consistently creamy texture, the PS brand had more strawberries and a sweeter flavor. The cheapo knockoff brand wins! Please purchase accordingly.

this message brought to you by the strangest lunch, ever: Potato Salad, scrambled eggs spiced with various indian flavors & cinnamon, and fruit bars. This lunch was consumed while creating a Thank You card for the Conrad Beach Co-op folk who kindly hosted us on last last latestlast minute notice, in San Francisco. We cut out the card to look like the Wasatch Range. Timpanogos, the Y on Ymountain, and June Suckers merrily swimming through Utah Lake were all included. You miss Provo. You know it. Don't deny